Sigh

Fuck my moon & stars  You’re the whole damn galaxy  -H  January 2020

The only way for you to live is to make me die Pouring toxicity into my mouth  Clawing away any pure air from me   - H  January 2020 On the person from March 2019

I feel my chest tighten when I think about the miles between us The absence makes my heart hurt in an all too literal sense  - H  January 2020

You give me the feelings I had sworn off Destined for fools, but I’m yearning for bedtime stories again  -H  January 2020

I only want to be loved by you  Don’t want the glances of another Just craving to be the oxygen in your lungs  Be that thing that you hold dearly  - H  January 2020

I call myself selfish because I want you to show me you can love me more than the bottle in your hand  But I shouldn’t feel unsafe in the arms of the man I call my love Baby please let me be your intoxication  -H  January 2020

How can I be so afraid to be away from your embrace  But terrified your hands might come back for me   - H  January 2020

Few days of ecstasy,  High off every kiss Only to suffocate in saying goodbye  Weeks filled with looming shadows.   - H  January 2020

How cruel to be so in love  To finally find that soul  And have them taken away  Miles between lips.  - H  January 2020

I’m not some back pocket magic trick  - H  December 2019

I don’t question the existence of God because I can hear the devil hide behind your throat  -H  December 2019

Sick juxtaposition  Heart so heavy Words hollow like my eyes  Hollow like the bottles you drink.  - H  December 2019

I’d give you all if that let you grow higher  But I can’t cut myself short  Just to fulfill your controlling desire  -H  December 2019

It was hard to lose you because you were my comfort zone  But settled security isn’t love  -H  December 2019

I listen to love songs & I think of you I’ve never related such feelings to a person  -H  December 2019

You know I’ll never say it first,  But I love you.  The words get shorter when we get to affirmation  Because I find that it’s easier to express my misfortune,  Than to place myself in vulnerability & tell you what I care for.  To care is to be susceptible, & in my case all I’ve caught is terminal  Keep my tender heart in your steel protection,  Wrap your arms around me & let me know it’s okay.  Tell me you love me  I won’t tell you first, but I love you.  -H  Fall 2019

I want to burry my head in your chest for the rest of life.  Breath in all your air, contain all your warmth.  -H  Fall 2019

My greatest magic trick, Watch me disappear  You don’t water me, I won’t grow for you.  - H  Fall 2019

Violets are blue, Bloodied roses from you  Thorns stuck to my soul, I bled on the floor.  Stains on the sheets & you turned away As if you didn’t just break my skin.  - H  Fall 2019

These aren’t love songs  I can’t write unless I’m sad  - H  Fall 2019

Because when you don’t give me love  It makes me feel this way  And I promised I’d never let someone break me again So I’ll cut you out for my own power move  - H  Fall 2019

9/8/19 I am the first to think love, but I will be the last to say it.  - H

Couldn’t find sleep easily  Too busy replaying the sensations of your arms around me when we laid down for bed.  - H  9/8/19

And I can’t articulate words for you so I cry to myself with miserable stanzas in my head  Baby I’m not immaculate nor illiterate I’m just a disaster of bullshit.  - H  9/7/19

Kissing you with everything my heart can hold,  But fantasies of you & me can’t beat sickness for the end.  - H 9/6/19

You know you hurt me  And I know you feel bad  But don’t dwell on it baby,  We both know I don’t have time for tears They get in the way of this sinister plan.  Baby did you know I’m a sociopath  Gonna make you pay for what you lack.  / Here’s my advice from me to you  From the wisest soul you know  If I were you, & I was smart I’d be fucking terrified.  / We’re both water signs  But that won’t help you put out this fire you’ve started in me  I have it out for you  I will watch it all fucking burn, Burn all the spillage you caused my heart to bleed.  - H  September 2019

The battle of fighting instinct by heart & head  Wanting to love, but needing to shut it out.   I wish I could dive in, give you my love  But all I know is expulsion, prioritizing everlasting numbness over the fear.  - H  August 2019

I would give up the attention of every other man  If that could mean I’d be whole heartedly loved by you  -H  August 2019

I can go all day being mute Giving the cold shoulder & acting as if you don’t exist  But when night creeps in  Walls are crumbled  And all I want is to lay next to you Hearing the steady symphony of your heartbeat.  - H  Summer 2019

Because when I close my eyes I see the way you looked at me  When we brought love into one  The look only I could give you  Beautiful rockets singing sonnets in the night  - H  Summer 2019

So I go from soul to soul  Whispering sweet things  With no intentions of finishing  Seeking just enough to feel  Like I’m not nothing, I want nothing from something  -H  Summer 2019

I wish you could hurt me like the others did so I’d have a reason to spite you.  But your only crime committed is that you didn’t love me like I wanted you to.  - H  Summer 2019 

I can’t play these games anymore  This masticated play of tug of war.  You only want me when I start to leave, Never holding me when the adoration is for you.  - H  Summer 2019

Out of sight so you’re out of mind  You’ve packed up & left, Finally abandoned the corners of my mind.  So why is it you still come back To be the words escaping my lips  when there’s someone else in me  Why can’t you just let me be? - H  Summer 2019

You spend forever trying to please everyone  You forgot she lives with identity displeasure.  Impossible to unconditionally satisfy  So you spend your life as a miserable lie  You’re never satisfied.  - H  Summer 2019

Stop calling things ours Saying “this isn’t us” When you don’t even want me.  - H  July 4, 2019 

I sleep all day to escape the pain  Stewing in my brain, melting to my chest & stomach But what am I supposed to do when you begin to penetrate my sleeping thoughts Filling my dreams I can’t escape you You selfish robber  - H  Summer 2019

We’re in a stalemate  Bitter hearts frozen over  Longing for a thaw But dare not permit it.  -H  Summer 2019

When he kissed me & when he was beneath me  I was momentarily blinded  My brain was crowded with memories of you in this place  All I could see was what I wish was you.  - H  Summer 2019

Saying you’re sorry doesn’t cut it anymore,  Where’s your credibility?  You’re only fueled by the pathetic manipulation, Tricking people into sorry’s Didn’t you know, I’m too smart for that?  Didn’t you know, I don’t apologize for what isn’t mine? -H  Summer 2019

Irony infiltrates my life Penetration from the merciless demon -H Summer 2019

Don’t care if it’s sweetless nothings, I just want to hear from you -H  Summer 2019

Tear me asunder  At least it is your personal craftsmanship -H June 2019

Openly accept the darkness in my head Knowing it’s the only time I can write The only time I become worthy  -H Summer 2019

I love it all, these beautiful things you call flaws  Driven mad with adornment, The absence is making me so so sad -H Summer 2019

You’re nothing special  Why are you tricking my mind into thinking you are  -H June 2019

The lullaby of your chest against my back, Creating warm symphonies composed of skin  Blood, beating hearts, warm breath against my ear, Tangling up arms & fingers Singing me to sleep. -H Summer 2019

I tell myself I’m fine without you But every time your face flickers in my mind,  I suddenly lose all sense of appetite  -H Summer 2019

Sometimes I do these things,  & I don’t know if it’s to hurt you  Or to hurt me  Either way, there’s pain ensured & it almost seems to please me  A nasty sense of control  -H Summer 2019

Being with you hurts  But the absence is murder  Is there no joy of suicide?  / A tug-of-war of what will kill me less -H Summer 2019

& the absence in your words is so deafening that it makes my insides turn, A bomb’s aftershock that would make the starving nauseate  -H Summer 2019

Maybe one day I won’t feel the need to black out before I go into sleep -H May 2019

The years progress & your sorrys are still kept  But darkness creeps in some days, A shadow on these childish apologies  / I gasp for air getting lost in my mind I’m terrified I will never be free -H Summer 2019

Is it still life if we’re not living  Just staring blankly into oblivion  Only beating hearts without an imagination  -H May 2019

Slip out of my mind & into my drink  I don’t want to think  -H May 2019

The voices won’t stop & fuck poetry, there’s nothing beautiful or artistic about being so knee-fucking deep in pain.  Not knee deep Not waist deep It’s surpassed my head, I’m completely drowning.  -H May 2019

A bad taste in my mouth / You overdid it. Sweetly sickening I’m going to gag  -H April 2019

You make me want to smoke cigarettes & I don’t even like that shit anymore.  Can’t distinguish the addiction between you or menthols, but either way it’s fucking destroying me. -H March 2019

Did she make you hard because I’m hard to deal with -H March 2019

You say you see heaven in my eyes  But all I see in yours is the goddamn devil  Cursed our affinity, not for infinity  Only afterlife is forever  -H March 2019

You leave me hungry for more,  He makes me sick  The touch of anyone else leaves a bad taste in my mouth  -H March 2019

I’m not addicted to the substance, I’m addicted to the way it makes me less of an uptight bitch  -H February 2019

Never was much good at staying in one place  Nomadic living, a nomadic lover.  Left the best to find more, I was only a child how was I to know that there were only cold bodies out there? Moving in & out of people to find warmth, Moving through lovers to feel anything.  Cold bodies, skin touches skin with mind & soul miles away Creating heat with our breath & friction, but still we always stay cold bodies.  I am a nomad,  Moving through people & places,  Leaving as soon as it gets too comfy.  I am a nomad, Drunk on exploration,  But all I ever find are cold bodies.  Calling myself a lone wolf,  I find comfort in isolation.  Are we born with this craving for solitude? Or adopted from burnt flesh, Getting too close to flames & leaving a lingering discomfort in closeness? Because we got close & now I am fucking hurting.  The lord did call premarital sex a sin...