Sigh

I can’t stop thinking about you.  You’re on my mind when I wake up,  I see your face when I close my eyes,  Pretend I can still feel you when he burries himself in me.  You’re all I want,  But aside from the logistics that I know we keep us apart,  I know you don’t want me.  Not anymore.  - H February 15, 2026

 I am trying so hard to be a good wife,  A good Christian -  But I am failing,  I cannot stop stumbling, tripping over the desire of my heart, succumbing to the screams from my soul.  I don't dream of sex,  Don't care for immortality or power.  I dream for love,  and know that it isn't found from my ring.  God,  What do I do?  Is this yearning a sin? How do I stop?  How can this stop?  A covenant was made in front of Your eyes at the alter,  and a vow was made from me to honor my husband.  But I do not love him.  I have not been able to love him since I met the other.  My heart is preoccupied with a craving for someone else, Someone I cannot help but think might be my soulmate.  God, Am I destined for love? What is my next move? What is the right move?  Is loving someone else a sin? I am at a constant internal war.  I do not know what to do.  God,  What do I do? Please, God,...

 I love him.  I have been his from the start.  And I wish I could say he is mine.  But I am sharing another man’s name,  And he is scheduled to give his to someone else.  Two souls forever reaching for each other -  Fingers interlacing,  But never colliding.  - H  January 19, 2026

I have accepted that I do not love him.  I don’t think I have loved him for a while…  I don’t even think I loved him at, “happy anniversary” Nor, “I do”  Nor even, “yes”.  I think it all stopped the day I saw his messages,  Intertwining his soul with others,  Leaving mine cold and severed.  I stayed because I was lured by possibility,  Seduced by what seemed easy and right.  Scared shitless of the unknown,  Of ending up alone.  There are wonderful aspects of my life.  He has introduced me to new hobbies, Rekindled some old ones, And gave me the most beautiful daughter.  But I do not love him.  I do not believe in divorce -  Can not because of my religion  And can not out of fear of spending less time with my child.  So I will sit here in decay.  Smile for the pictures  Give kisses when expected  Because that is what good girls do.  But silently  So  So  Silently  ...

 I have lost again; Arms I will never get to embrace, Toes I will not count,  A nose I will not get to kiss.  My heart feels heavy -  A mechanism filled with lead, Slowly killing me from the inside out. I cannot help but think How different life was  Just four short days ago.  -H August 15, 2025 I will always love you, my baby. 

 In high school we learned about viruses, and how their structure makes them so hard to study. I admired their skill, the ability to change shape just before their code is cracked. How badly I want to be that chameleon, Guarded with the defense to keep poisonous invaders out.    - H  May 24, 2023 & August 22, 2024