I am not coping well.

-
I don't know what to choose.

Either I give in, I feel love 
and I feel an inexplicable amount of pain

Or I find warmth in the discomfort, 
I taunt myself with the lies I have been fed
I allow it to make a bleeding nest
And I learn to love it,
I learn to be numb

I can't fall when I'm already nursing at the pit. 

-H
August 2, 2020

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I don't recognize her

-
It used to feel a lot more personal. I would recount the days in the beginning when I lost you, The days in the middle when I wasn't sure if I had you, And there would be a plunder in the middle of my chest.  I could remember my fingers itching for a bottle, My head spinning with calculated assumptions,  My heart falling to the pit of the stomach.   I used to see it through her eyes - my eyes.  I try to mentally revisit those days - Remember when the epitome of my existence was you, When all I wanted was to call those arms my home.  But I can't.  They feel like stolen memories.   She doesn't even feel like me.  Instead of looking through my eyes, I am looking through a mirrored window, My soul watching my body take on the actions of another person. Is this what falling out of love is like? -H  July 5, 2023
Read more

Unhappily Ever After

-
 I love him.  I have been his from the start.  And I wish I could say he is mine.  But I am sharing another man’s name,  And he is scheduled to give his to someone else.  Two souls forever reaching for each other -  Fingers interlacing,  But never colliding.  - H  January 19, 2026
Read more

Coming to Terms

-
I have accepted that I do not love him.  I don’t think I have loved him for a while…  I don’t even think I loved him at, “happy anniversary” Nor, “I do”  Nor even, “yes”.  I think it all stopped the day I saw his messages,  Intertwining his soul with others,  Leaving mine cold and severed.  I stayed because I was lured by possibility,  Seduced by what seemed easy and right.  Scared shitless of the unknown,  Of ending up alone.  There are wonderful aspects of my life.  He has introduced me to new hobbies, Rekindled some old ones, And gave me the most beautiful daughter.  But I do not love him.  I do not believe in divorce -  Can not because of my religion  And can not out of fear of spending less time with my child.  So I will sit here in decay.  Smile for the pictures  Give kisses when expected  Because that is what good girls do.  But silently  So  So  Silently  ...
Read more